- Me : "We used to watch this all the time. "
- Sister : "What? Porn? "
- Later, I should have learned after what happened the first time.
- Me : "We used to watch this in Kindergarten. "
- Other sister : "What? Porn? "
so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
what an amazing story
Someone get this lady a book deal because I want to read Tolstoy length books by her.
HOLY SHIT, IT WAS THE ORIGINAL ONE
MAKE A WISH
the first post ever on tumblr
this was why they put the reblog button on the bottom of posts
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SEE LINDSAY LOHAN OR SOME SHIT WOW
Always reblog because perfection.
I was waiting for the stupid patrick thing but yay the real post. love it.
This is sacred
OHMYZOD IT’S BACK
I REMEMBER WHEN THIS HAD 10000 NOTES AND I HAD TO TAKE THE TIME AND SCROLL ALL THE WAY BACK UP TO REBLOG
I’m in love omg
THE GOLDEN RULE OF TUMBLR
my god, we’re all Ross.
So in conclusion, we are all the men of Friends, combined.
Not just the men.
Phoebe is basically a walking night blogger when she’s got a guitar. Admit it.
In conclusion, we are the show Friends.
we all need this on our blogs
This is the most beautiful post on all of Tumblr.
Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday
I know nobody will read my post but sometimes, when I’m bored, I get wrapped up in a sleeping bag and lather butter all over myself and slide around the kitchen floor pretending I’m a slug
1)Favourite 5sos song?
2)Favourite 5sos member?
Michael Gordon Clifford
3)How did you find out about 5sos?
Tumblr and Youtube
4)Favourite 5sos cover?
5)Have you ever met 5sos?
6)Do 5sos follow you on twitter or tumblr?
7)What 5sos merch do you have?
Shirts, Posters, The usual.
Would you rather:
8)Eat a pizza with Michael or play video games with Luke?
Eat pizza with the bae.
9)Have a night in or out with the boys?
Out with boys.
10)Have the band split now and they remain friends forever, or them split 10 years from now, but stop talking to each other?
Band split now.
11)Have a hug from one of them or have one of them look at you for an entire gig?
Have a hug.
12)Swimming with Cake or sunbathing with Mashton?
Sunbathing with Mashton
13)Live in a house with the boys in London or Sydney?
14)Go to an acoustic show or a concert?
15)Sing a duet with Luke or dye your hair with Michael?
Sing a duet with Luke
16)Have one of Calum’s beanies, or Luke’s band tees?
Luke’s band tee
Sometimes I wish that Heaven was a place where I could listen to Michael’s laugh and eat pizza all day, but then I remember I’m probably going to hell.
how do people murder people when i cant even ask workers in stores for help without getting nervous